LOVE ISNT REAL, ITS A FANTISY

This week was hell. Crying all week because of a guy but for the first time in my life i was honest with a guy and how i felt about him. I posted a comment on his FACEBOOK telling him i can't be his friend anymore. Then he, of course wanted to know what that was all about but i tryed to play it off because at the same time I still want him in my life. We got to talking the next day (monday) and he told me i was acting different and that i was being mean. Which was all true, it was my way of pushing him away, then i just stopped talking to him. Monday night he called me 3 times but i couldn't bring myself to answer, he sent me 2 msgs on FACEBOOOK and i couldnt reply. Tuesday he called me 6 times and still couldn't bring myself to answer because i didnt know what to say to him. He called me 2 more times with jacob's phone but i knew who it was so i dindt answer. Finally i texted him on wed. and he asked me what was wrong and if it was hios fault. I told him it was me, i was stupid. He wanted to know what that mentm, then he asked me if i had a thing for him and i couldn't respond. Thursday, I texted him and told him to check his FACEBOOK, i told him i aswered his question from last night and all the other questions i'v never answered. Here's what i wrote:

FACEBOOK msg to Jonathan:
Ok Jonathan you asked me last night if I have a thing for you. So to answer your question and all other questions IV never answered and to be honest not only to you but to myself, here it is, the whole shabang =)

When we first started hanging out, my intentions were to be your friend that’s it. I never expected anything from you, never wanted anything of you, I didn’t have a hidden agenda, didn’t want to sleep with you, nothing. I truly just wanted your friendship. Then along the way I started having feeling for you and that’s why I stopped hanging out with you. It wasn’t because you don’t have a job or a car or money or whatever else, I don’t care about any of that stuff, and I figured it would just be easier that way. But then I missed hanging out with you and we got to talking again and you asked why we stopped hanging out well now you know. You wanted to start hanging out again so we did and I told myself that I’m only your friend but those feeling were still there and I tried to push them away and ignore them but when id see you with Jacob or anyone else being all touchy and whatever, It, to be honest hurts and piss’s me off, I guess that would be called jealousy too, idk. Don’t get me wrong though I love Jacob, he’s a great guy an awesome friend and I still want to be his friend too.
When I sent you that msg saying that I can’t be your friend anymore, it was because I don’t want to have these feeling for you but I don’t want you out of my life either. Crazy I know. Like I said last night its me and I’m stupid. Well that’s everything, I don’t know what else to tell you. I didn’t want to mess up our friendship but I understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore.


He called me that day but i didn't answer, that night he called again and finally i answered my phone. He asked me how i was and then asked why i never said anything before? then he told me, he still wants to be my friend =(
Since then we have made plans to hang out but he's cancelled and i'v just said no. I'm still sad because i know no one is capable of loving me, i will always be the friend. So my new thing is: "LOVE ISNT REAL, ITS A FANTASY" thats all it will ever be. I'm going to have to learn to live with that.