Coco, My Alter Ego.

Who is Coco?

Coco is my alter ego, created in a time when I needed him most. To save me from the pain of reality. Years ago I was just a boy named Alex, at 18 I was an intern at a local preschool while still in high school. Being a teacher was never a Passion of mine. It was never my dream job or career choice. It was something I simply walked into. One day after school my friend told me she was going to this Regional Occupational Program, also known as ROP. So I said what the hell and went with her. Next thing I know, I'm graduating high school with honors. After high school, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my life. I honestly must say, high school doesn't prepare you for anything or at least not the high school I went to.

My dreams and Passion growing up, believe it or not, was not makeup. I remember once at Sunday school the teacher asked me what I wanted to do when I'm older and I answered, "I want to be a prostitute." Lol, yes that's exactly what I said, clearly that wasn't a great answer to give. Now allow me to explain my answer. As an adult when we think of a prostitute we typically think of some drugged out crack whore. We think of someone disease infested with every std in the book and then some. But to me, as a child, I pictured a prostitute to be glamorous and beautiful, someone to be desired, someone to be wanted. I knew that a prostitute used her body to get what she wanted, I knew sex was involved and I was definitely all for it. Now I've always been a very sexual person, even at a young age. My first time having sex was when I was 8 years old. No i wasn't raped or abused in any way. I had consensus sex with a friend who was the same age and he happened to live next door to me at the time. I also had sex with 2 friends from church at church. They too were my age and they're brothers. Granted I didn't know everything there is know about sex at the time or even how to do it necessarily. But we would rub our penises together, we would take turns putting our penises between each others butt cheeks and it would feel good. We knew we were done when it felt like we had to pee lol.

As I got older my dreams of being a prostitute changed and I realized I wanted to be a singer. I was in Choir at school, I was in choir at church and I sang with a microphone at home making my own tapes :) to this day I still love singing. But as I got older my dreams of being a singer didn't necessarily change it just evolved. I wanted to be a singer and actor. I wanted to be famous. I wanted the world to know my name. I'm still working on that lol.

After graduating high school and not having any direction I started working at target, that lasted maybe 3 to 4 months. While I was working there, I never felt like I belonged. But how could I? I didn't even know who I was. I was never someone to go after what I want because of fear of the unknown and what ifs. My everyday life consisted of me waking up, going to work, going home, going to bed and the next day doing it all over again. I hr no life or friends. I was a class A loser lol. It wasn't until I started working at Susie's Deals that I started to find myself and actually make friends. After 3 months there I became a supervisor, which allowed me to grow as a leader. While working there I learned how to talk to be social, I learned sarcasm, I learned how to make fun if myself and others in a playful way and not in a hurtful way. However I still didn't have a "social life". I remember being called into work on a day I was off and I only live about a block away maybe 3 from work. It took me awhile to get to work and when I walked in my co-worker said, "why took you so long? Were you masterbating?" I got this look on my face of complete shock, lol. I had no idea what to say and truth is, I was lol. But I finally said, "no" to which she replied, "you're lying, let me smell your hands." I was so embarrassed but it was so hilarious, its a memory I'll never forget. That same girl also asked me one day if I was gay, at this time I was not out of the closet and wasn't sure how to respond but she already knew the answer. To this day her and u are still friends. After 7 months of working there I went to work for bank of America, which only lasted 4 month lol. In that time I started volunteering at the preschool I had interned at. After the bank I started working for the YMCA and continued volunteering at the preschool. In that time I finally came it of the closet and it wasn't even a sit-down-with-your-parents kind of talk. My mom came to my bedroom, knocked on my door, I opened it and she said, "are you gay?....... Just tell me so I know." I said, "yes" and that was it. Life went on. When I came out it wasn't really a coming out it was a confirmation lol. At that point in my life I began a whole new chapter. While working at the YMCA the director at the preschool offered me a job so now I was working 2 jobs. Then one day I finally quit my job at the YMCA because I was so great that 3 directors from 3 different sites were fighting to have on their staff. Summer was coming to an end and they still had no idea where I was to be placed so I quit and I put myself full time at the preschool where I met my best friend Christina. Her and I have been friends now for 9 years, love that Bitch lol.

Christina changed my life forever. Because of her I began to have a little bit if a social life. Instead of going home her and I would go to a movie, a bar, a house party or get together that one of her friends was having. I eventually depended on her for everything. Years later I met a father of one of the kids from the preschool, his name is Alyess, he's a single gay father. I instantly fell head over heals in love with him and everybody knew it. One day I finally found the courage to ask him out on a date. I think I was more excited just to actually ask than I was to even get his answer lol. He said something along the lines of I'll let you know. Which I took as a no and made me feel completely embarrassed. About a week after he sent a msg to me through Christina saying he'd go out with me if I took him to go see a scary movie and to dinner at Maggiano's. My first thoughts were, how childish it was to send a msg rather then talk to me. I also thought negative about the whole thing kind of Luke I was being used. But I said ok. Days before our date I got Christina's phone and texts Alyess's ex as if I were Christina. I was stupid and wrong for doing that. Needless to say the date never happened and Alyess told me to "stay th fuck away from me, don't eve too to me again." I know what I did hurt him and pissed him off but hearing him say that chattered my heart. Because of what I did my friendship with Christina also ended. It was a good while before we became friends again but in that time is when Alex died and Coco came to life.

I was heart broken, I was hurting, I had no one to talk to. Then one day I heard a song on the radio, at the time I had no idea who it was, the part that stuck in my head and helped me to go on with my life was, "Just dance, it'll be ok". If you don't know, yes its Lady Gaga's Just Dance song. A friend on MySpace who at the time I had never met in person, sent me a flyer letting me know Gaga would be performing at lucky Sundays in Irvine, Ca. All I one is u had to go. But not alone lol. I've never been to a club and all I could imagine was being made fun of. What if I'm not dressed good enough? What if I'm too ugly? What if they don't let me in cuz I'm fat?.... All these what ifs just kept popping in my head and I was terrified. I finally convinced my brother to go with me and I was like a child in a candy store, I was at awe over everything. Then came the drag queens and my face lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. Lady Gaga took the stage and was amazing. After that night I started going to clubs alone, I started wearing eye liner, then glitter, then makeup and then one night someone asked me what my name was and I said Coco.

Coco is my alter ego.
Coco is someone who doesn't take crap from anyone.
Coco is a certified Bitch that is heartless and will chew you up and spit you out.
Coco is strong.
Coco is a sex symbol.
Coco is desired and wanted by everyone.
People either want to fuck coco or be coco.
Coco can do what he wants when he wants.
Coco knows everyone and anyone.
Coco is known by everyone.
Coco parties with the powerful gays.
Coco parties with celebrities.
Coco is a socialite.
Coco is always seen with the hottest guy.
Coco is blunt, says it how it is and doesn't apologize.
Coco is famous for no reason.

Coco is many things and has go me through so much and has helped me find my true self. I will probably never give up my alter ego coco but I am ready to have a little Alex back. By that I mean I'm ready to love again. I won't romance and a boyfriend but as Marilyn Monroe once said, and I'm putting my name in the place of hers, People always see coco but when they realize I'm not him they run.