Can't say i didn't make an effort.

Last year, late August, my friend Diana told me about a co-worker of her. She said he was gay, his birthday was coming up and that she wanted me to go with her to his party. I said sure why not. Later on I get a facebook request from a boy who I find completely attractive. It's his smile, his eyes and let's be real his body. Turns out the boy was Jose M., Diana's co-worker. So since he sent me a request I tried chatting him up on Facebook but I could tell he wasn't at all interested in chatting with me. Then I realize he and I have a mutual friend by the name of Jonathan, who I'll blog about another time. Anyways, I hit up Jonathan to see how he knows Jose and to find out what's his story. Turns out Jose is Jonathan's ex O_o what a fucking buzz kill. Well being a good friend despite what everyone might think I realize that even if I had a chance with this guy I wouldn't be able to flirt with him and ask him out :( oh well. September 16th the night of his birthday party comes around and Diana and I show up to Jose's place. First I must say it was nothing like I expected. This guy was such a good boy, like I was really stunned to say the least. Let me try and explain why, bare with me. The party was in his garage, a few of his friends maybe 20 tops, pretty much all girls. They were eating minutho followed by beer pong and dancing. It was a cute party don't get me wrong I'm just use to a PARTY! LOL by that I mean 60+ people there, mixed crowd of lots of gays, drinks everywhere, people getting high off of all different kinds of stuff, someone sneaking off with someone to some room to fuck, I mean the list goes on of the kind of party I was expecting. Not that I'm into all that its just what I'm use to lol. Wow that's actually funny. So to be honest I'm at his birthday party and I know that I'm coming off as a complete stuck up Bitch, riding in on my high horse and believe it or not its not the look I was going for. I was actually excited to be going and just the fact that I was going to be meeting Jose for the first time. Let's just say, in my opinion I made such a huge bad first impression.

A few days later Jose ends up inviting me to club lucky at the house of blues and I'm again really exited until I find out Jonathan has been invited too. This becomes a pattern and I quickly realize or I feel that the only reason Jose hangs out with me is because Jonathan would be there as well and being ex's its clear they still have feelings for each other. So after hanging out with both of them maybe 3 or 4 time together I've pretty much had it. First not only do I feel the third wheel but I'm kind of crushing on Jose but Jonathan and him keep making out and getting all handsy with each other. So finally I say I'm not hanging out with both of them together anymore.

Time passes and I'm surprised to hear from Jose. He asks me if I want to hit up tigerheat with him, at first I'm hesitant because I'm expecting to hear Jonathan mentioned somewhere along the line but I don't :) so we end up going and he does invite another friend of his and its a completely different feel. Like I don't feel like the third wheel at all and they ain't all touchy feely lol. We get to the club and its such a disaster, I basically stood outside the whole night by myself. Like I said my first impression was bad and the few after that weren't any better. But for whatever reason Jose kept on inviting me places.

Finally I make a great impression on him and show him the fun me and I can tell at that point he actually liked having me around. From that point forward it was great nights out and I started to actually fall for him. One night Jose invited me to his very first gogo audition, I was so excited for him. The night of his audition comes and I pretty much won't be able to make it due to no car and even if I did get there I have no way back home or the money to get a cab. So its about 10pm and I'm in bed, I get on Facebook and I see that Jose has post that no one has shown up to shower their support for him. I literally jump out of bed, feeling so bad and all I can think is I have to get there. I liked this guy so much that I went out of my way to actually be there for him and not have a way to vet home other than walk. I get dressed and I figure I'll take the bus there and walk the rest of the way. I get there and I see him on stage and I go up to him and the first words out of his mouth are, "is Jonathan here?" In that moment I felt so hurt and so stupid for even going. But I put on a smile, I said no and I walked away to try and enjoy my night. At some point during the night I asked Jose if he could give me a ride home and that I'd even give him gas money. He came up with this story that 2 or 3 of his friends had shown up and that he was gonna have to take them home blah blah blah it was all lies. I mean yeas his they showed up but they each had their own car. So again hearing the lie come out of his mouth just cuz he didn't want to be mean and say no was hurtful but I smiled and said ok. That night, the only reason I got a ride home was because Jose got so drunk he couldn't drive. So I drove him home in his car and his bestie took me home.

Since that night I've been going back and forth about my feelings for him. I mean they're real but its stupid to have them when he clearly doesn't even see me. We continued to hang out and I tried to be a good friend to him. I happen to have my friends car for a couple of days and he happen to be sick so I went and bought him soup and took it to his work :) then because I had my friends car I thought I'd take him out for once. That night he hurt me so bad and it completely changed how I see him now. I picked him up from his house, first he didn't even want me going inside but its whatever. We get to the club and its pretty dead the whole night, the club closes and as we're leaving we see security not letting a friend of ours leave because they say he's been drinking. So Jose jumps in his car to drive him around the corner where I'll meet them, pick Jose up and leave. I pull around the corner and I see the girl standing outside the car and I don't see Jose or the other guy anywhere and already I know. I start texting him let's go. I ask the girl what is he doing in the car? She checks and says Jose is giving Regan head. I was so angry at him, at myself, I was hurt, and all I wanted to do was leave. I told the girl to tell Regan to take his ass home and I left. Jose started calling me and calling me, he called at least 30 times and finally I turned off my phone. I didn't cry that night because I was already use to it. I turned my phone back on and again with the phone calls then he started texting and he said I have his house and work keys. Not only that but Regan left him there which pissed me off even more. I went back and picked him up, I took him home. When he got in the car he asked why I left and all I could think was, really? Do you not see that I have feelings for you? But all that came out of my mouth was, because I have to go. We didn't say another word on the drive home and when we got to his house he said he was sorry. I never wanted to see him again. But things happens that made me start talking to him again. We never talked about that night and still to this day I can't get that thought out of my head and it still hurts and makes me angry.

See at first I thought, wow this guy is amazing. He's smart, he driven, he's fun and outgoing. He doesn't smoke, he doesn't smoke weed, he doesn't do drugs, he's funny, he has a job, he's passionate, he's easy on the eyes. He truly like no guy I've ever met before. He's rare and he's one of the good ones. After that night all I think of is what he did. I know he and I aren't together and that he has all the right to do what he did but that fact that it was done in front of me, ignorance is bliss and the sad part is, I still have feelings for him but I need to stop holding my breath. I need to stop waiting for something thats never going to happen. To be honest I don't even think he likes me as a friend. It's funny when he introduces me, I'm his "clubbing buddy." And I think that's all I'll ever be to him.

But its not what I'm going to allow myself to be. He clearly doesn't want to hang out with me outside the club and I'm always an inconvenience to him. I may not have straight out told him how I feel but you can't say I didn't make an effort to show him :)