CHAOS! I NEED HELP!

There's so much going on in my head yet again, I don't think i can handle anymore. I feel like i'm going to explode or rather SNAP! For once its not about a boy lol. I'm just going to start from the beginning even though i may have already written about before.

So a while back, Feb 14th to be exact, Frank (father) caught the house on fire due to his drug tourch, because he's a fucking crack head! So now my mom, grandpa and I have been living in a rental till the house gets fixed, which keeps getting pushed back and pushed back. Frank lives in the garage of the burnt house because 1. he's a fucking crack head. and 2. we can't stand him here at the house we currently live in. Nor can my mom and frank be in a room together without fighting the whole time. That being said, during one of their fights about the money they are getting from the insurance for the house, frank threatened to kill my mom if he found out she already had the money and he was hiing it from him. At that point the money hasnt even com in! he's a fucking cracked out idiot. When I heard that, my first thoughts, and i came very close to putting it in action, were to go to the kitchen, grab a knife, and go do, honeslty I don't know. In that moment I don't know if I just would have threatened him or killed him. But instead I told him to SHUT UP! and that was the end of it. But still the fact that he made that threat bothers me and wont leave my head. Last saturday the checks from the insurance came and everything seemed to be going okay until me mom and frank went to the bank to cash one of the checks for $10,000.-. While at the bank he asked her if they talked about how the money is being split? Now 1. yes they have. and 2. common sense, it gets split 50/50.

Here's the thing, originally they were to get, lets say $30,000.- that wasnt going to be split 50/50, Frank would get $20,000.- for his shit, the money my mom gets would be used to buy things for the house, like a new stove, refrigerator, microwave, washer and dryer, etc. Which by the way frank decided to give away the ones we did have to his crack head friends without my mom knowing. While the money frank gets is going towards drugs, $500. for mark, $500. for esther, $500. for gonzo (they are another story), plus money he's already promised to other drugies that are only around waiting for the money because he's promised them the money. So anyways, the insurance said all they will be getting is $10,000.- and if they spend more replacing everything to send in the receipt and they will reimburse them. Well the guy working for my mom to get the house fixed got the insurance company to give more money, about $14.000- so because its a lot less then expected it should be split 50/50 (it should have been split 50/50 no matter what the amount)and all of this was discussed beforehand.

Well they get to the bank, he asks her about spliting the money and she says 50/50 like whys that even a question? Then he says to her, FUCK YOU! You aren't getting shit! You'll get whatever i give you. I'll kill you if i have to. You don't know what i'm capable of... So my mom gets up tells the bank lady she isn't signing the check and walks out. Good for her, however i just wish she had a strong black woman's attitude, you know, doesn't take shit from anyone. I want her to stand up for herself instead of being all talk and scared and hiding. Anyways, she gets home scared of whats going to happen now. So we end up going to the police station for some kind of help. Now the last few days i've been thinking of going to the police to tell them about everything thats going on, about the threats, hoping to get help, advice, something. So since we're there lets bring it all up. Turns out the police station is closed on weekends and seeing how its a holiday on monday, its a 3 day weekend which is very stupid in my opinion. Anyways my mom calls the station and gets ahold of someone and she explains the whole situation going on at the moment. I tell her to tell them about how he's threatened to kill her more than once.

Not to mention that a couple of days prior to all this chaos my cousin, yet another crack head, comes over to the house we are renting upest about whatever frank did. Now my mom can't stand him however she's being nice to him because she's using him to get information. So they're talking and he tells her that one day frank was digging a hole in the backyard of the burnt house and he overheard him tell his crack head friends that the hole is almost big enough for her dead body when he kills her, she just pisses me off all the time.

So after talking to the police they pretty much say there's nothing they can do until its too late. But if he threatens her again to call the police and they'll be right over. After leaving the police station my mom thinks that frank is going to cash the check at some beaner check cashing place where ID's aren't important. So we go driving all around to the places where he would go hoping to find him but we don't and we finally head home. About an hour after we get home frank comes walking in. My mom and I are on the sofa watching t.v. he goes and sits on the other sofa and my mom says, what do you want? He says lets figure this out (um what the fuck is there to figure out???!!!). My mom says 50/50. Then frank says lets itamize what it is you're going to buy and i'll give you that much (seriously? YOU FUCKING DUMB LOW LIFE PIECE OF SHIT!!!). She asked him if he already cashed the check and he says yes so she calls the police to repot him for fraud because she never signed it. So he goes to the kitchen gets some food and on his way out he takes the check out of his pocket and puts it on the coffee table and leaves. I guess he couldn't cash it.

Sunday comes and THANK YOU GOD for giving us a better day. But come that night it all went to hell. Around 7pm my older brother calls my momsaying that there's A LOT of people at the burnt house doing drugs. So here's my opinion, you can either go over there and do something and know that there a chance of something happening to you or do nothing, its not happening in front of you and let it go. My mom decides to go over and do something, I tell her to take the police. She gets there with the police and send them in and she comes home all scared now, again scared of whats going to happen now. So now she's spending the whole night scared and cant sleep and waiting for the worse to happen. Which leaves me worried all night. As it is, i've had enough of him and could kill him.

It's monday and its quiet but is this just the calm before the storm? Tues my 2 older brothers are to come over and help figure out how to divide the money. Its stupid and very sad it has to be this way. At some point during the day frank came home and said HE decided that it should be 50/50. I say still have my older brothers here and go to the bank with you.


When i'm alone in my room and have all this running through my head over and over and over all i can think, all i want and wish for is a guy to come take me in his arms and tell me everything is going to be okay and make me feel okay. I'm looking for my knight in shinning armor to save me.

Daydreaming

Today I had a daydream while walking around town.

This guy and I were outside of this biker bar out in the middle of nowhere. I think we had been driving for a few hours and just needed to stop and stretch and since we were in front of a bar, why not get a drink. Anyways, I'm standing outside of the car on the passengers side, the door open and he's sitting in the passenger seat. I can see he has this look about him, like he's scared. I ask him straight out,"are you scared?" He looks at me like he's embarrassed but he answers, "yes. I just don't want anything happening to us. We're gay, they don't look so gay." I look at him, I step closer to him, I take his hands in mine and I say, "baby, look at me." His eyes meet mine. "I'm not going to force you to go in there. I would never force you to do anything you didn't want to do. And if you want to leave, we'll leave. But I want you to know, I'd never let anyone hurt you. I would go ape shit crazy on all their asses, no hurts my boo. Okay?" He's stairing into my eyes, smiling and then he leans in and kisses me, right on the lips. I start kissing him back. He stops and pulls back. I ask, "what was that for?" He continues to look at me with these eyes I've never seen before. He's looking at me like he's seeing me for the first time ever. He responds, "let's go inside." "Are you sure?" I ask him. "No" he says with a smile and then says, "but I'd go anywhere with you because I know I'd be safe. I know you'll protect me." I smile at him, take his hand in mine and that's when my little daydream ends and I'm back to reality.

R.I.P. TYLER BRADLEY

I've been thinking a lot about death lately, wanting one reason to live. Friday july 20th I found out one of my bestiez, Tyler Bradley ended his own life the day before. It breaks my heart but I know exactly what he was going through. Not feeling like you belong in this world, feeling like everything is just too much...
God I miss you tyler, we didn't talk as much we use to but when we did it was like we just talked yesterday. Its true what they say, best friends can can go days, weeks, months, years without talking and pick up right were they left off with no awkwardness. Tyler you were an incredible friend, from the very first night we met at the club. You took me as I am and never once judged me, you quickly became my brother and you will ALWAYS be my brother. You were always so full of energy and ready for anything. You stood up for anyone and always had their back. I remember that last time we hung out, it was for johnny's birthday bash. All three of us were going after the same guy, alex vuevas. We ended up losing to johnny but its ok after all it was his birthday lol. We had a lot of fun that night, you being an awesome bartender, I still have the pics from that night.

I remember the last night we went out dancing just before you moved back home. We met up at club lucky's house of blues and I had Momma say goodbye to you on stage and you loved it, it made your night. I know I wasn't the greatest friend but you always knew how much I loved you and you always knew that I would always be there for you when you needed someone to talk to. On many many nights you'd hit me up and we'd talk for hours sometimes all through the night. We'd talk about your boyfriends and everything that was going through your head. You trusted me because you knew no matter what I would never judge you, I may not have agreed with things you may have done but I never judged you for it. The last time we talked you were getting high with your boyfriend and of course being naughty lol. You told me that you had been keeping a secret not just from me but from everyone. You told me you had aids. That night I told you that you having aids changes nothing about our friendship and that I love you unconditionally. Then we started making plans, you said you were going to be coming to cali to visit and that we would hang out, I guess I'll be waiting a bit longer before I see you again.

Tyler, you will always be in my heart, I miss your smile, your laughter, and your big strong hugs that lasted forever :) till we meet again babe <3

R.I.P. TYLER BRADLEY <3

LIFELESS

I wish I could tell you the thoughts that float around in my head as clearly as they are in my head. The constant feeling of sadness, the constant feeling of loneliness....

What is life without hope?
What is life without dreams?
What is life without love?

I want one reason, just one reason, WHY should I live?

Someday I'll Forget About You.

Last night i dreamt about him for the first time in a long time and it felt so real. It took me a few minutes to come back to reality and realize that it wasn't real. I can barely remember it now but i do remember being at is place, outside with him. He asks me something, I think he asked if the posts i've made on facebook in the past were about him. I told him yes, the post were always about him. The rest of the dream is kind of a blur and then I wake up. I hate that i still think of jose and have feelings for him because that night plays in my head everytime over and over. I havent spoken to him in months. the last thing i texted him was, "I want to fuck you so bad" lol it was a joke but at the same time to also see what he would say, he thought i msged him by accident lol. Jose doesnt get me, he doesnt get my personality, he doesnt get my jokes, he doesnt get my sarcasm. I hope someday soon i finally stop thinking of him, but then again i still think of Thiago and Anthony and its been years and it still hurts and brings tears to my eyes.

Never Seems To Follow The Script.

He comes over to my house to get ready for the the club which tonight consist of him losing some clothes and having me draw all over his amazing body. He parks in the driveway as he always does, I walk out to greet him with a friendly hug and a kiss on the cheek, although I'm dying to kiss his lips. It's about 8 o'clock at night, we walk into the house and straight to my bedroom. He's wearing tights with red and white patterns, perfect for tonight's theme at the club, Valentines. I close the door behind me and he removes his shirt. I turn to face him and already I'm filled with awkward discomfort. We're friends but all I want to do is tale him in my arms, kiss him and make love with him right there on my bed. Instead I walk to my makeup case and gather the things I'll be using to write and draw on his body. I walk over to him as he stands there in the middle of my room, I put the things I've gathered on the bed, I pick up the eyeliner marker, turn towards him and I begin to write on his body.

First I write "BE MINE!" on the right side of his chest to just over his heart, wishing his heart really was mine. I write "KISS!" on his stomach just right of center, wishing I could kiss his tummy right now. "LOVE!" written on the left side of his stomach right across from "kiss", hoping, just maybe, he could fall in love with me one day. And finally I drop to my knees right in front of him. My face, my mouth at level with his crotch. Imagining myself putting my arms around him pulling him closer, kissing his belly button, grabbing his tights and pulling them down revealing his Dick and just taking it into my mouth and pleasuring him till he explodes with ecstasy. But instead I write the final word on his body "HUG ME!" just below his belly button. Then I begin to draw hearts strategically yet miscellaneously placed from his neck down to just above his tights waist line. I grab the makeup brush and red pigment and I begin to fill in the hearts starting with his neck. As I do all I want is to kiss his neck and leave him lots and lots of hickey's or as I like to call them, love bites. Then I move to his chest and I've drawn a heart right over his left nipple. As I'm coloring it in I imagine myself kissing and sucking and biting his nipple turning him on as I do. Then leaving more hickey's all over his body. Then I sit down at the edge of the bed facing him. He gets on top of me, straddling me, kissing me. I put my hands on his back feeling the warmth and softness of his skin. But reality hits and I've finished coloring in all the hearts. I notice that I've smudged a little red outside of the heart, I grab a makeup sponge and due to no water in sight, I lick it right in front of him to use to clean the red pigment. I wait for him to say something but he smiles and I begin to clean the mark. He didn't mind at all, making me want him even more. As I got to draw and write on his body I got to know his body a little better. I noticed his birthmark on his stomach to the left of his belly button. His scar on his back by his shoulder blade. His very light and thin happy trail going from his belly button down to, well you know. Finally we leave my house and head to the club.

We walk in and everyones eyes are on him. Every guy wanting to get in his pants. I'm stricken with jealousy, not sure if its due to all the attention he's getting or the fact that all these guys are gonna go after him and he's not my boyfriend for me to stop it and say, "BACK OFF! He's mine." Lol. We're on the dance floor having an amazing time when this guy comes up to us with a friend or two of his. He offers him his drink and he turns around and gives it to me to have. Then he starts dancing with him and getting all handsy. He even tries to put his hands down my friends pants not just once but a few times. But he stops him and is trying to keep this guys hands off him. I can see that he is uncomfortable so finally I step in and say, "Dude! Hands off my boy." Smiling and being friendly as I can be. Then the guy turns to me with a look of shock and embarrassment and says, "Sorry coco, I didn't know..." I cut him off and say, "It's not me you should be apologizing to." He turns to Jose and says he's sorry and walks away. I continue dancing with him as if nothing happened also trying to avoid any awkwardness. But then, while looking in my eyes and a smile on his face, he says, "I'm your boy?" With a smile on my face now and yet trying to play it cool I say, "Well, only if you want." trying to male it seem like, you know, whatever. His smile gets even bigger and he puts his arms around the back of my neck and he kisses me. It was definitely unexpected. I kiss him back, I put my arms around him, my hands gliding down his back until I reach his butt cheeks. I grab them tight and lift him up, he wraps his legs around my waist straddling me as we continue to make out right there on the dance floor.

That's how this should have turned out that night but what can I say, he seems to never follow the script lol. Well at least you got to experience a little fantasy of mine. Just one of many ;)

Coco, My Alter Ego.

Who is Coco?

Coco is my alter ego, created in a time when I needed him most. To save me from the pain of reality. Years ago I was just a boy named Alex, at 18 I was an intern at a local preschool while still in high school. Being a teacher was never a Passion of mine. It was never my dream job or career choice. It was something I simply walked into. One day after school my friend told me she was going to this Regional Occupational Program, also known as ROP. So I said what the hell and went with her. Next thing I know, I'm graduating high school with honors. After high school, I had absolutely no idea what I was going to do with my life. I honestly must say, high school doesn't prepare you for anything or at least not the high school I went to.

My dreams and Passion growing up, believe it or not, was not makeup. I remember once at Sunday school the teacher asked me what I wanted to do when I'm older and I answered, "I want to be a prostitute." Lol, yes that's exactly what I said, clearly that wasn't a great answer to give. Now allow me to explain my answer. As an adult when we think of a prostitute we typically think of some drugged out crack whore. We think of someone disease infested with every std in the book and then some. But to me, as a child, I pictured a prostitute to be glamorous and beautiful, someone to be desired, someone to be wanted. I knew that a prostitute used her body to get what she wanted, I knew sex was involved and I was definitely all for it. Now I've always been a very sexual person, even at a young age. My first time having sex was when I was 8 years old. No i wasn't raped or abused in any way. I had consensus sex with a friend who was the same age and he happened to live next door to me at the time. I also had sex with 2 friends from church at church. They too were my age and they're brothers. Granted I didn't know everything there is know about sex at the time or even how to do it necessarily. But we would rub our penises together, we would take turns putting our penises between each others butt cheeks and it would feel good. We knew we were done when it felt like we had to pee lol.

As I got older my dreams of being a prostitute changed and I realized I wanted to be a singer. I was in Choir at school, I was in choir at church and I sang with a microphone at home making my own tapes :) to this day I still love singing. But as I got older my dreams of being a singer didn't necessarily change it just evolved. I wanted to be a singer and actor. I wanted to be famous. I wanted the world to know my name. I'm still working on that lol.

After graduating high school and not having any direction I started working at target, that lasted maybe 3 to 4 months. While I was working there, I never felt like I belonged. But how could I? I didn't even know who I was. I was never someone to go after what I want because of fear of the unknown and what ifs. My everyday life consisted of me waking up, going to work, going home, going to bed and the next day doing it all over again. I hr no life or friends. I was a class A loser lol. It wasn't until I started working at Susie's Deals that I started to find myself and actually make friends. After 3 months there I became a supervisor, which allowed me to grow as a leader. While working there I learned how to talk to be social, I learned sarcasm, I learned how to make fun if myself and others in a playful way and not in a hurtful way. However I still didn't have a "social life". I remember being called into work on a day I was off and I only live about a block away maybe 3 from work. It took me awhile to get to work and when I walked in my co-worker said, "why took you so long? Were you masterbating?" I got this look on my face of complete shock, lol. I had no idea what to say and truth is, I was lol. But I finally said, "no" to which she replied, "you're lying, let me smell your hands." I was so embarrassed but it was so hilarious, its a memory I'll never forget. That same girl also asked me one day if I was gay, at this time I was not out of the closet and wasn't sure how to respond but she already knew the answer. To this day her and u are still friends. After 7 months of working there I went to work for bank of America, which only lasted 4 month lol. In that time I started volunteering at the preschool I had interned at. After the bank I started working for the YMCA and continued volunteering at the preschool. In that time I finally came it of the closet and it wasn't even a sit-down-with-your-parents kind of talk. My mom came to my bedroom, knocked on my door, I opened it and she said, "are you gay?....... Just tell me so I know." I said, "yes" and that was it. Life went on. When I came out it wasn't really a coming out it was a confirmation lol. At that point in my life I began a whole new chapter. While working at the YMCA the director at the preschool offered me a job so now I was working 2 jobs. Then one day I finally quit my job at the YMCA because I was so great that 3 directors from 3 different sites were fighting to have on their staff. Summer was coming to an end and they still had no idea where I was to be placed so I quit and I put myself full time at the preschool where I met my best friend Christina. Her and I have been friends now for 9 years, love that Bitch lol.

Christina changed my life forever. Because of her I began to have a little bit if a social life. Instead of going home her and I would go to a movie, a bar, a house party or get together that one of her friends was having. I eventually depended on her for everything. Years later I met a father of one of the kids from the preschool, his name is Alyess, he's a single gay father. I instantly fell head over heals in love with him and everybody knew it. One day I finally found the courage to ask him out on a date. I think I was more excited just to actually ask than I was to even get his answer lol. He said something along the lines of I'll let you know. Which I took as a no and made me feel completely embarrassed. About a week after he sent a msg to me through Christina saying he'd go out with me if I took him to go see a scary movie and to dinner at Maggiano's. My first thoughts were, how childish it was to send a msg rather then talk to me. I also thought negative about the whole thing kind of Luke I was being used. But I said ok. Days before our date I got Christina's phone and texts Alyess's ex as if I were Christina. I was stupid and wrong for doing that. Needless to say the date never happened and Alyess told me to "stay th fuck away from me, don't eve too to me again." I know what I did hurt him and pissed him off but hearing him say that chattered my heart. Because of what I did my friendship with Christina also ended. It was a good while before we became friends again but in that time is when Alex died and Coco came to life.

I was heart broken, I was hurting, I had no one to talk to. Then one day I heard a song on the radio, at the time I had no idea who it was, the part that stuck in my head and helped me to go on with my life was, "Just dance, it'll be ok". If you don't know, yes its Lady Gaga's Just Dance song. A friend on MySpace who at the time I had never met in person, sent me a flyer letting me know Gaga would be performing at lucky Sundays in Irvine, Ca. All I one is u had to go. But not alone lol. I've never been to a club and all I could imagine was being made fun of. What if I'm not dressed good enough? What if I'm too ugly? What if they don't let me in cuz I'm fat?.... All these what ifs just kept popping in my head and I was terrified. I finally convinced my brother to go with me and I was like a child in a candy store, I was at awe over everything. Then came the drag queens and my face lit up like fireworks on the fourth of July. Lady Gaga took the stage and was amazing. After that night I started going to clubs alone, I started wearing eye liner, then glitter, then makeup and then one night someone asked me what my name was and I said Coco.

Coco is my alter ego.
Coco is someone who doesn't take crap from anyone.
Coco is a certified Bitch that is heartless and will chew you up and spit you out.
Coco is strong.
Coco is a sex symbol.
Coco is desired and wanted by everyone.
People either want to fuck coco or be coco.
Coco can do what he wants when he wants.
Coco knows everyone and anyone.
Coco is known by everyone.
Coco parties with the powerful gays.
Coco parties with celebrities.
Coco is a socialite.
Coco is always seen with the hottest guy.
Coco is blunt, says it how it is and doesn't apologize.
Coco is famous for no reason.

Coco is many things and has go me through so much and has helped me find my true self. I will probably never give up my alter ego coco but I am ready to have a little Alex back. By that I mean I'm ready to love again. I won't romance and a boyfriend but as Marilyn Monroe once said, and I'm putting my name in the place of hers, People always see coco but when they realize I'm not him they run.

Moving Forward Doesn't Mean You're Apart Of My Future.

I'm slowly but surely putting my life back together :) as you can see I'm making some changes to my blog. I've added causes and organizations that I support, not all of them are on here yet. I'm making new friends and actually strengthening old friendships. Which reminds me of last night.

Last night Jonathan invited me out and I kindly turned him down by saying, "no thank you." He said, "ok." But as our conversation continued he said, "I hope you don't want to go beacause you dont want to go, not because its me." To which I replied, "I wouldn't be comfortable." He then said, "well if you dont want to move forward i cant force you...." At that point his words got me thinking and I've realized that I am moving forward and just because we're talking now, moving forward doesn't always mean you're apart of my future. I didn't tell him that nor is this directed completely at him. Its ment for everyone.

To me moving forward means its time I get a job again, its time I get a car again, its time I put my name back out there, its time I pay off all my debt, its time to stop wasting time and stop putting effort into someone who only makes you feel like an inconvenience. Most importantly its time I stop being scared of following my dreams. That being said I'm going back to school, I'm buying a sowing machine lol to explore what u can do and I'm going to do what I love whether I end up famous for it or not.

Apologized

Yesterday I got an unexpected Facebook friend request from Jonathan, the ex-friend. I was hesitant to except at first but I did. Just days before a mutual friend of ours was having a house party, parents out of town, you know how it is lol. Anyways Jonathan hit me up that night via Facebook msging and asked if I was going then offered to pick me up and take me. My answer was an instant no for the fact that he ended our friendship saying I used him. I don't feel comfortable going anywhere with him anymore. So back to yesterday, after the friend request, later that night he sends me a msg that said,

"i just wanted to apologize for being kinda dickish and shortworded. it's just that sometimes, i just felt a little jealous cause i wanted to just go and have a good time, and i really just wanted to spend time with you so id get jealous youd go sit and talk to other people."

To which I wasn't really sure how to respond. But I basically said that its not like I took off and left you there. I always included you and introduced you to whoever I was talking with. However I did take into consideration what he said and I did apologize for not being able to give him the attention he wanted. I also explained that I don't know how to go to a club and just have fun and be with "you" whether its Jonathan or another friend. When I go out I'm used to putting on a show, when I'm out, Coco is on. I feel I have to be the social butterfly, the socialite and for that I did apologize, if that made any sense.

We continued talking until about 1am. Here's where I stand right now with him. As I said before I have no bad feelings toward him. He can hit me up whenever he wants and I'll go ahead and chit chat with him but for the time being I won't be hanging out with him anytime soon. I won't be getting in his car to go to wherever anytime soon because he's simply made it uncomfortable for me. I feel by taking his offer for him to pick me up and go to some party or club does he feel I'm using him? Again not sure if that makes sense but that's the best way I can describe it.

What I Look For In A Guy, The List.

A lot has been going through the back of my head for quite some time now and today I feel like getting it all out. In the back of my mind I've been thinking a lot about relationships, what I want in a guy, comparing what I want to guys I've known, how guys should be and realizing they are nothing like that. Also I've been thinking do I do or have the qualities I look for in a guy? Do I do the things that I would love a guy to do for me?

The List:
When boys text you at night.
When boys text you good morning & goodnight.
When boys make you smile & laugh over the phone.
When boys hold your hand in public.
When boys run their fingers through your hair.
When boys take care of you.
When boys worry about you.
When boys have that perfect smile.
when boys are your bestfriend before your boyfriend.
When boys take the time to understand you.
When boys are a good kisser.
When boys are your dream guy.
When boys appreciate all that you do for them.
When boys rather be with you than anybody else.
When boys say, "I miss you."
When boys show you that not every guy is the same.
When boys play and wrestle with you.
When boys boys kiss you while taking a picture with you.
When boys realize they hurt you and do everything they can to make it better.
When boys show up.

Okay clearly my list can go on and on and on. Not to mention I haven't even got to the being honest, trustworthy, etc. When its all written down it may seem like I look for a lot of this in a guy but in action its not. And although I look for all these things just because you don't hold my hand in public doesn't mean its a deal breaker. What I mean is, just because you don't meet e everything on the list doesn't mean you're not a good match. But its things on this huge list of mine that I've compared to guys I've fallen for and have cried over and have come to realize they were never the right guy. For example, the last guy I fell for I would worry about him all the time. Once his boss and best friend had called me because he didn't show up for his morning shift and I called everyone he was with the night before, I called him over and over until finally I found him. I took care of him, when we were out a fight broke out near us I'd protect him. Once he was at work not feeling good, kind of sick so I borrowed my friends car and took him soup, all different kinds lol. It was canned soup lol but I made it there for him. I'm interested in getting to know and understand him. He's told me about his parents and as painful as it is, he tells me about guys he's interested in and I listen. I could go on but when I think about it he has never been the type of guy I'm looking for. When my house caught fire and I relocated to los alamitos for about a month, he never once came to visit me because it was just too much of an inconvenience for him. I rarely get a text from him first. For my birthday, he didn't wish me a happy birthday until the day was almost done as if he had just remembered. However he texted me an hour before my birthday to ask when my birthday was. But I will say he has told me he missed me, once. So when I compare I see that he was ne ER the right guy along with other guys I've stupidly fallen for.

I have never had a boyfriend or even been on a date but I hope one day if god willing I do get a boyfriend that I can be the best boyfriend I can be. Not only in saying the right things but doing the right things. Appreciating him and loving him and showing him that he means the world to me. Supporting him and always being there for him. No ones perfect, sadly not even me lol so when I unintentionally hurt his feelings I will do anything and everything to make it right, to put a smile back on his face because I would never want to be the reason for his tears, unless they're happy tears :)